Okay

I am so insecure that when two teachers compliment my sample and another says “I think it’s okay!” I feel like I want to shrivel up and die. And she was probably just saying that because I was asking if it was okay with the guidelines, and so the response makes sense, but I don’t know. I guess I’m unsatisfied. I’m unsatisfied and I’m terrified that this will not work out and that I’m actually a terrible writer.

I told myself that if I didn’t get accepted, I’d use it as a learning experience to improve myself and whatever, but am I mentally secure enough for that? What if I don’t get accepted and my entire writing self esteem just goes to shit? What if I never write again because of this one time when I didn’t get accepted? What if my entire view on writing shifts because I’m not good enough?

Sorry, I’m whining so fucking much. I just know myself, and I know that I’m so fragile that this could quite literally break me. It was a fun challenge, at first, but now the reality is hitting and all the what ifs are raining down.

I need to get my shit together and grow the fuck up. Maggie Stiefvater got rejected how many times before she got her first book published. I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal out of nothing.

My mind keeps coming back to something I wrote in my journal, middle-school era: “‘Writing books makes absolutely no money,’ Dad had said. I’ll show him.”